staying connected

I’m really bad about staying connected to people I care about. It’s not that I’m not interested in their lives, in what’s going on with them, it just doesn’t cross my mind to call regularly. I know that sounds awful, but it is a byproduct of living with schizophrenia. The fact is, I love my friends and family deeply. I wonder about them, worry about them and pray for them daily. But I do have a hard time staying connected.

There are many reasons why this happens. I just go into a few. We all have a finite amount of energy to work with. We have to prioritize how we are going to use that energy to keep our lives moving at a steady manageable pace. Some things fall by the wayside. Sometimes, I use up my energy managing my symptoms. This is real talk. Sometimes I use up my mental and physical energy managing the noise in my head so that I can get through a work day. Many days I come home and barely have enough energy left to engage with my son. I’m like a spent battery in need of a recharge.

I always picture it like this. I have a glass full of water---- that’s my energy. I have to use the contents of my glass to fill other smaller vessels. Those vessels are work, my son, bills, self-care, and so on. Like most people I deal with what’s in front of me. Once I’ve used up my water I’m depleted. Invariably some vessels go unfilled but this is not an indication of their importance.

Then there are the rarely discussed challenges of schizophrenia like an inability to enjoy pleasurable activities and social skills deficits. The clinical world calls these “negative” symptoms like difficulty engaging in friendly conversation even when prompted to do so. These things, these tools of connectivity that most take for granted have plagued me my whole life. It’s only now that they make sense. I am now painfully aware of social cues that I have just never picked up on that have made me appear aloof or uncaring. Painful because of the missed opportunities and for the unintended messages I’ve given off. Like many others living with schizophrenia I feel very deeply, but what’s going on inside doesn’t always make its way to the surface. The result can be misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

All this being said, why not just give in and isolate myself completely? Well, we all need our relationships to stay well and thrive. We need each other’s energy to stay on track. We need each other’s varying perspectives to keep our own perspectives straight. Living in a vacuum gives way to indulging in skewed thinking and unsubstantiated fears. And the bottom line is that our friends and families do need us. We have something unique and special to contribute to their lives. They are struggling too and need our support as much as we need theirs.

Two ways that I think are easy methods of staying connected are standing appointments and weekly check-ins. A good friend of mine told me about making standing appointments. She makes lunch and dinner dates with her friends on a regular basis. This helps her keep up with her friends, fight the tendency to isolate, and stave off depressive symptoms. I came up with the weekly check in and sometimes I fall short. It takes the form of a call or text to let the people I care about know that I am thinking of them.

Final thought--- when in doubt about staying connected just call. We all, mental illness or not, get caught up in our day to day living. But it’s not all about us and our struggles. As much as we need our supporters, they need us. And I’m not saying that it’s easy to look past our own struggles, but I am saying its necessary if we want to stay connected.