intentional gratitude

Life is hard. There’s no getting around this fact. It’s hard because it’s unpredictable. We can prepare for every imagined scenario and still get blindsided. We can have safeguards in place like life insurance, car insurance, a fat savings account, etc. and life can overwhelm it all in a heartbeat. So how do we keep our sanity in the midst of this unpredictability? We must live and breathe gratitude.

Speaking only for myself, I take things one moment at a time and I live in gratitude. When my thoughts start running into ‘what will I do about this of that?’ I come back to the present moment and remember what’s good in my life. The blessings of the day always overshadow the worries of tomorrow.

I do my best to live each moment in gratitude. It permeates every moment of my life and inevitably leads me to meditate of the goodness in my life--- in the world. I used to make lists in my head, sometimes on paper, of all the things I was grateful for. My imagination was key to me appreciating all the blessings that surrounded me. I would imagine for instance what my life would be like if my car broke down and I had no means to fix it. What if I fell behind on my rent and like many people had to live on the street? I would let myself briefly imagine not having enough food to eat or not having anyone to call on for help. This process put things into perspective for me. I didn’t dwell on the possibility of calamity, but I did remind myself that things can always be worse. As a matter of fact, things have been worse!

This process always leads me to prayer. In these moments it becomes imperative that my higher power knows that I am thankful for what He has provided me. Sometimes I am brought to thankful tears when I think of my early days of recovery when I could barely hold a conversation. Back then I was so overwhelmed by my symptoms that I couldn’t maintain a train of thought. And now, deep in my recovery you can’t shut me up. Things have changed dramatically and I’m grateful.

So, I encourage everyone, not just those living with a mental health diagnosis, to live in gratitude. Start small and acknowledge just one good thing a day. I guarantee that it won’t be long before you have a list a mile long of things and people you are grateful for. Gratitude will energize you and give you strength. It will give you a quiet courage to overcome your struggles. And when you share your gratitude with others, you pass on hope. 

when the meds stop working

For those of us with a mental health diagnosis who use psych meds as part of our recovery, the possibility of the meds becoming ineffective is a frightening thought. Finding the right med or combination of meds is difficult. It can be a daunting process of trial and error. For me it had gone like this, I have taken a pill or injection and had to sit back and wait to see if it has any effect on my symptoms. In addition to the waiting there is watching to see if I can tolerate the side effects.

Most meds can take up to a month or more to be effective. In the meantime I’ve endured my symptoms along with a host of reactions to the meds like nausea, vomiting, fainting, headaches, weight gain, light headedness, etc. The list goes on. And you can be sure throughout this process I am counting the days until the benefits of the meds kick in. Then by some grace I find the right cocktail of chemicals and get a bit of relief. Whew! And all the while I am trying to maintain the life I’ve created… my job, my family, my friends, etc. It’s an extremely delicate balance.

So now, life is good again. I can focus on the people I serve as a CPS, I can concentrate during work meetings, and I can be fully present with my family and friends. By the power of these chemicals and my arsenal of coping strategies, I have reached my baseline, which isn’t perfect, but certainly manageable. I’m talking about a state of being that most people take for granted.

Then like someone flipping a switch, it all goes to hell again. I can’t focus and I’m irritable with no filter to hide it. I can’t sleep or can’t get enough sleep. I’m starving all the time or have no appetite. People around me are walking on egg shells asking if I’m okay in a way that lets me know, I’m not okay.

This happened to me about seven weeks ago. My work was affected negatively. That was my first warning sign. I couldn’t get my paperwork in on time and the quality of the time I spent with the individuals I work with was dramatically diminished. I couldn’t focus on their concerns because I could barely hear them over the noise in my head.

When I tried to talk with my psychiatrist, he did what most do… he started throwing pills at me. He literally gave me a new script every time I called him. None of them provided any relief, just awful side effects. I couldn’t tolerate them, so I couldn’t take the meds. This got me a new label with my doctor, “non-compliant.” I changed doctors. Recently I found the right chemical with a different doctor. What made the difference wasn’t just the meds, it was the fact that the new doctor listened. She heard me when I said weight gain was an issue, that day time drowsiness was not an option and when I explained that cost was a consideration. She listened to me.

You know what else helped? My support system. My friends and family jumped into action and rallied around me. My friends treated me to the movies and lunch. My son put up with my moodiness and held the hope that I would feel better soon. My family made sure the rent got paid and waited patiently for me to feel better.

So it happens. The meds can fail. This is why it is so important to have a plan in place. It’s funny, when you’re well you think you will always be well. It’s hard to imagine that there may come a time when your symptoms will resurface and turn your world upside down. So when you’re feeling alright, it’s important to get your house in order. I don’t usually endorse any one product, but WRAP (Wellness Recovery Action Plan) is a great way to get prepared. It’s a living document you create in wellness to get and keep yourself well. It’s a document you can share with your supporters to keep them in the loop. They say it takes a village to raise a child, but I think it takes a village to maintain wellness.