Recovery and romance; where to begin? There’s a lot of
discussion in the peer community about individuals with mental health diagnoses
seeking out and cultivating romantic relationships. One line of thought is that
it’s a risky endeavor to add the stress of managing this kind of relationship
with the challenges of managing a mental illness. Another line of thought
suggests that romantic love can be a source of strength and a natural support
in the journey towards wellness.
I subscribe to the latter point of view. Every healthy
relationship can support recovery. Friendships, family bonds and romantic
partnerships are the emotional artillery needed to live in wellness. Romantic
love provides support on the most intimate levels. There are challenges we can
share with family and friends, however, romantic partnerships create a safe
space for full disclosure and acceptance.
So, in a perfect world, our romantic interests would be
open-minded, compassionate, and non-judgmental. This is ideal right? And this
happens for many of us living with a mental health diagnosis. For many of us
there is someone who is strong enough to be a witness to our successes and setbacks.
Someone who can love us unconditionally and help us stay on track. But, what
about when we are rejected because of our challenges? How do we process being
rejected for something we have very little control over? How do we avoid
feeling damaged and unlovable when confronted with another person’s fear and
prejudice?
In my experience, transparency is the key. Because I am
open and transparent about living with schizophrenia, the stigma loses its
power. Transparency, openly telling one’s recovery and wellness story humanizes
something that most people are terrified by. Let’s face it, most people rely on
the media for facts and the media has a poor track record of portraying
individuals with a mental health diagnosis. So countering these negative stereotypes
with stories of hope and wellness is essential.
What I’m advocating for is disclosure which is highly
personal. For some it’s terrifying because once you let the cat out of the back
there is no turning back. Why do we need to tell the people we encounter we
have a diagnosis? For one, it frees us from fear. For another it allows the
people we meet to make an informed decision about whether they want to interact
with us. For some people, mental illness is a deal breaker. Without disclosure,
this essential part of us becomes a weight around our neck that will drag us
away from wellness.
When do we disclose that we have a diagnosis and are living
in recovery? It’s going to be different for everyone. Most of the time when I
meet someone it comes out pretty early on because it’s an integral part of my
job. Most people outside of the peer community don’t know what a peer
specialist is. So in explaining that, I have to disclose. How I disclose
varies, but I’m usually pretty straight forward. I simply state that I have a
diagnosis and describe what that looks like without burdening the person with
medical jargon.
Some people have responded with curiosity and compassion. Some
have flat out rejected me. In either case, I just keep things moving. There is
someone for everyone. In my opinion, anyone who rejects me based on a medical
diagnosis is not someone I want in my life anyway.
