romance and recovery

Recovery and romance; where to begin? There’s a lot of discussion in the peer community about individuals with mental health diagnoses seeking out and cultivating romantic relationships. One line of thought is that it’s a risky endeavor to add the stress of managing this kind of relationship with the challenges of managing a mental illness. Another line of thought suggests that romantic love can be a source of strength and a natural support in the journey towards wellness.

I subscribe to the latter point of view. Every healthy relationship can support recovery. Friendships, family bonds and romantic partnerships are the emotional artillery needed to live in wellness. Romantic love provides support on the most intimate levels. There are challenges we can share with family and friends, however, romantic partnerships create a safe space for full disclosure and acceptance.

So, in a perfect world, our romantic interests would be open-minded, compassionate, and non-judgmental. This is ideal right? And this happens for many of us living with a mental health diagnosis. For many of us there is someone who is strong enough to be a witness to our successes and setbacks. Someone who can love us unconditionally and help us stay on track. But, what about when we are rejected because of our challenges? How do we process being rejected for something we have very little control over? How do we avoid feeling damaged and unlovable when confronted with another person’s fear and prejudice?

In my experience, transparency is the key. Because I am open and transparent about living with schizophrenia, the stigma loses its power. Transparency, openly telling one’s recovery and wellness story humanizes something that most people are terrified by. Let’s face it, most people rely on the media for facts and the media has a poor track record of portraying individuals with a mental health diagnosis. So countering these negative stereotypes with stories of hope and wellness is essential.

What I’m advocating for is disclosure which is highly personal. For some it’s terrifying because once you let the cat out of the back there is no turning back. Why do we need to tell the people we encounter we have a diagnosis? For one, it frees us from fear. For another it allows the people we meet to make an informed decision about whether they want to interact with us. For some people, mental illness is a deal breaker. Without disclosure, this essential part of us becomes a weight around our neck that will drag us away from wellness.

When do we disclose that we have a diagnosis and are living in recovery? It’s going to be different for everyone. Most of the time when I meet someone it comes out pretty early on because it’s an integral part of my job. Most people outside of the peer community don’t know what a peer specialist is. So in explaining that, I have to disclose. How I disclose varies, but I’m usually pretty straight forward. I simply state that I have a diagnosis and describe what that looks like without burdening the person with medical jargon.

Some people have responded with curiosity and compassion. Some have flat out rejected me. In either case, I just keep things moving. There is someone for everyone. In my opinion, anyone who rejects me based on a medical diagnosis is not someone I want in my life anyway.