Spirituality has played a significant role in my recovery. It
has shaped my perception of myself and how I relate to others in many ways. My
relationship with my higher power has given all of my challenges purpose.
I want to share with you some of my journey. When I was a
child and really into my young adult years, I saw God as an absentee parent
whose main function was to punish bad deeds. So for many, many years my
suffering was a confirmation for me of my badness. My suffering including abuse
by family members and family friends and included my emerging mental issues. Something
was wrong with me to my way of thinking and the pain I endured was proof.
This misguided perception determined how I felt about myself,
my sense of what I deserved and how I allowed others to treat me. I felt that I
was damaged, not deserving of love and affection. I was confident to my core
that any kindnesses that were afforded to me by others were undeserved and
based on conditions that required my humiliation and degradation.
All of this changed when I discovered and began to value my
capacity for compassion. I realized one day that not only did I enjoy helping
others, but that I was good at it. I came to understand that helping others in
one way or another was what I was meant to do with this life. In the process, I
help myself. In the process, I help myself overcome past hurts and set a tone
of infinite discovery for my life.
Now my relationship with God is vastly different. It’s not based
on my negative experiences with people like it was in the past. I have taken
the time to get to know the God of my choosing and I have found Him to be
loving beyond anything that I can imagine in my finite mind. I find that my God
has blessed me with challenges that make me a blessing to others.
As I, with the Grace and mercy of my God, align my will with
the Will of my savior, I share in His suffering. On the flip side of that, I
share in His victory. My Catholic faith teaches me that just as His suffering
has freed me from the chains of sin and death, my suffering allows me to help
others free themselves from the debilitating effects of their mental health
challenges on their lives.
What I mean is, I know what it is to live with and struggle
through the barrage of seemingly never ending symptoms and side effects. I
survive and thrive day by day. Without that knowledge I could not support the
recovery of my peers. Therefore, my suffering has purpose. It’s not just about
me. My challenges become about the empowering of others to live a life of their
choosing.
I overcome my trepidation daily (sometimes moment by moment)
and I get to experience the reward of watching my brothers and sisters move
beyond their limited view of what is possible for their lives. When I see the
light of possibility go on in their eyes I am inspired and encouraged. I am
reminded that I am in good company.
It is an overwhelming sense of joy for me to watch my peers
come to the realization that everything that had happened up to that moment is
not written in stone. The multiple hospitalizations and/or incarcerations of the
past are not an indication of the future. Just because they have had dark days
with no hope, with no sense of purpose, with loneliness does not mean that it has
to stay that way. Sometimes after our work together for the first time they
realize that they have a choice and options and they have someone to support
them on their journey.
