When I think about recovery I think about the night I gave
birth to my son Joseph. Yes it was painful, but it was also exciting because I
was living in the highest state of expectancy of my life. I was bringing forth
someone brand new that had never before existed.
Recovery is like that. You are becoming something you never
were before. Someone brand new. And like childbirth it can be painful. Recovery
requires growth. It requires taking a broad and deep look at yourself. To live
in recovery you must look at how you talk-do you speak positivity into your
life? You must look at who you spend your time with-are your friends and family
in support of your goals? You must cultivate purpose -do you volunteer or work
in an environment that honors your contributions? You must advocate for your
healthcare-are you working in partnership with hour healthcare workers for the
best possible plan for you? If you can answer yes to these questions then its
smooth sailing for you, but if not, this is where the pain comes in.
If you answered no, then you’re going to have some recovery
labor pains. Recovery got real for me when I took the training to become a
certified peer specialist (CPS). In this two-week training they gave the
participants a button at the start that said “I’m a walking miracle.” At first
I just put it in my purse. It didn’t jive with the language I spoke back then
about myself as someone with a mental health diagnosis. I didn’t have any
positive talk about that so I couldn’t relate. By the end of the training I was
color coordinating my clothes to match that button!
In that training I came to understand that the coping skills
that I had used to thrive and survive made me an expert on me! And the training
I was getting made me a competent peer specialist! Whoa, talk about bringing
forth someone brand new that had never before existed! Those trainers had me
fired up. I left that training with a new idea of who I could be and what I
could do.
When I got home from the training I told everyone who would
listen that I wanted to do what everyone had told me that I would never do. I
wanted to work full time as a CPS. My family cautioned me against it. Some of
my friends warned me that the stress would send me back to the hospital. My co
workers expressed their fears for me. There was tremendous pushback. Labor pains. But the seed had been planted.
It was just a matter of time. And I cried because I knew if I were go grow into
this vision I had for myself I was going to have to part ways with people who
had been my support. I had to create new boundaries with old friends. I
couldn’t share my new goals because they were naysayers. Some relationships
don’t survive recovery. Some relationships don’t survive recovery because when
you take a good look at yourself and change, you force those around you to do
the same.
How do you move forward with this new version of yourself
when your supporters stop supporting you? You realign yourself with people who
are where you want to be. That’s what I did. I kept in touch with the people I
went through the CPS training with. I had to create a new support system. It
was painful but necessary. And all the while I was looking for opportunities
where I could be involved in that reflected my new vision of me.
So now, four years later I’m still working my recovery. Still
going through pains though not as dramatic, establishing new boundaries,
letting people go and welcoming new supporters in.
