Manifestations

I have often been asked what it is like to hear voices. It’s not an easy thing to describe because it isn’t a singular experience like bowling. Bowling is a singular event. It’s a ball and pins and the effort you put into knocking those pins down with the ball. The people you bowl with might change, what you get from the concession stand might change, but the act of bowling never changes.

Having voices is like having a life within a life that only you are privy to. It’s not just someone talking, well it can be like that, but it’s deeper than that… richer than that. It’s someone with a distinct personality sometimes. Someone with definite opinions and a specific outlook on your life.

The voices gave me advice; go there or don’t go there they would warn. Trust this person or stay away from that person they would coach. Go down this road, apply for that job, and on and on. There was a time when I felt comforted by them. But they also condemned me. They would sometimes tell me that I should be dead and that I was worthless. In those times I used positive self-talk to combat the effects of the negative messages. I would challenge the voices with reason. I would talk back with life affirming declarations. And to my surprise it worked. The voices would fade for a time.

Sometimes they did not even talk to me, they talked with each other. There were times when they were oblivious to me. In those moments it was like having the TV on at its highest volume in another room. I could hear snippets of the broadcast, but not the whole thing. There’s also the music. A song would play in my head incessantly. But not the whole song, just a series of lyrics. It’s not like getting a jingle stuck in your head where eventually you get distracted and it goes away. This music plays behind your dreams and blares like a trumpet when you open your eyes in the morning.

So while all this is going on I still have to go to work, I still have to be mother to my son and I still have to respond to the life outside of my head. Medication helps and distraction and sometimes just telling the noise to be quiet helps. But some manifestation of the noise is always present.

Now I help others manage their manifestations. That’s not all I do as a Certified Peer Specialist, but it’s one of the things I do that is most gratifying. I get to see someone who feels ruled by their voices learn to manage them and actually thrive with them.

Some people respond well to medication and some don’t. I take meds and they take the edge off, but the voices are never far from me. Even with the meds a stressful situation can override their effect on my voices. So, I’ve stopped trying to get rid of them. They are a part of me. They help make me who I am and of equal importance they make it possible for me to help others faced with the same challenge.