breakdowns

Breakdowns are inevitable. They happen for a number of reasons. Sometimes our coping skills are simply overwhelmed by stress filled circumstances. Sometimes our medication stops working and sometimes a myriad of events occur in just the right configuration to stop us in our tracks. What we hope we learn as we maneuver through our lives is how to spot the warning signs before we breakdown.

My first breakdown occurred when my son was very young, around the age of two. I had moved back to Buffalo and was living with my mother. I was working part time at a great job, but was under a lot of stress. At that time I had not been accurately diagnosed and my mental illness was not being treated. Looking back the breakdown had many warning signs. I was not equipped to recognize them and I had nothing in place to manage my circumstances. One day I took my son to daycare and then could not stop crying and shaking. I called my mom and she took me to the hospital. That was my first hospitalization for mental illness.

I was fortunate. The doctor on call was very progressive. He didn’t ask me what was wrong with me, he asked what happened to me. I told him about the racism I faced at work and the feelings of failure I had over moving back home. He told me to pull myself together and go home to raise my son. He was unconventional, but that’s what I needed to hear to get back on track. I spent seven days in the hospital, left with a script for an antidepressant and went back to my life.

There are a number of tools that we can use to bypass a breakdown or at least move through one with the least amount of trauma. There are Wellness Recovery Action Plans (WRAP). This tool assists in identifying triggers to a breakdown and warning signs. It’s a comprehensive document that can be used to direct care when we are not doing so well. It informs clinical staff and our supporters about how we want to be treated when things get hairy and we aren’t able to care for ourselves fully. It’s a living document that changes as we change and as our circumstances change.

There is also an advanced directive. This document lets your supports, including doctors, know how you want to be treated in case of a crisis. You can outline definitively which hospitals you want to be treated at, what medications are acceptable to you and who you want involved in your treatment. You can also specify who you Don’t want involved. These documents are effective, but you have to let your supporters in on them and you must keep them updated with current information.

Breakdowns are difficult for everyone involved, but they can be survived. In my darkest days I tried to focus on what I actually could control instead of all the things that seemed like they were spinning out of control. In doing that I felt less powerless. I've been fortunate because I have always had the support and love of my family. They haven’t always known what to do or say, but they have always been there.

Everyone doesn’t have this support from their family and that is where peer support comes in. It’s important to cultivate a circle of peers who can be there when you are doing well and when you are not doing so well. Some kind of support from others is essential to surviving a breakdown. If you are deep in despair and trying to keep your head up, don’t give up. Recovery is real and this is just a bump in the road. We can and do recover.